what to say.

"call the ambo" : you're whining too much
"back o bourke" : too fucking far away
"he/she's a big smoke" : he or she is from sydney or melbourne
"have a bikkie" : eat a cookie
"it's bikkies" : it's too damn expensive
"she bogged right in" : she stuffed her face with food
"a total bogan" : a twatty slob
"well aren't you a brick shit house" : you've got muscles
"i think it's cactus" : i think it's dead
"he's so conchy" : he's a shut in, would rather stay in over anything
"there's a cockroach for you" : someone from nsw (new south wales) (sydney)
"you dinkum?" : are you for real? are you being honest?
"no, that's in gaffa" : no, that's in the middle of nowhere (gafa: great australian fuck all)
"pommy bastard" : an englishman
"it's your shout" : it's your turn to buy
"it isn't worth a zack" : it's cheap, bullshit, has no value

where to stay.

the olsen: arty as fuck, pays homage to an aussie artist named dr. john olsen. prime local on chapel street, in the middle of just about everything. glass bottomed pool is slightly terrifying but cool. boutique hotel, each room is different. cool, but may be too cool.
the langham: right on the river, feels very posh without being too posh. located on the river, right in the cbd (central biz district). has an epic spa, and the restaurant (melba, lol good joke guys) isn't half bad. insider tip: get a room with a balcony, the views are outrageous.
the pensione: hip and quirky. for being so close to st. kilda's, it feels like a fitzroy residence. you've got your choice from matchbox rooms (tiny, do not rent unless you're positively broke), to the top floor apartment (wonderful, and still affordable). they've got bikes to rent, an inter-guest bookswap service, and a phenom concierge.

what to do.

queen victoria market: closed only on mondays and wednesdays, it's the largest open air market in the fucking world (kidding, the southern hemisphere though i think) and the saying goes - if you can't find it at the queen vic, you're not going to find it. great for people watching, eating, footpath road rage, and buying a lot of shit you didn't really need. in summer (nov-marchish), it opens on wednesday nights for qv night market. it's a god damn party. street musicians, open air bars, dancing between stalls, it's a beaut.
stroll collins street: start at the top end (affectionately called the 'paris end') and make your way down. shops, sights, it's elegant and nice to look at, albeit a bit chi-chi. don't miss the block arcade for stellar architechture and 130 year old mosaic floor tiles.
kayak the yarra: hop in a kayak and take a tour of melbourne via the yarra river. bring a cooler of beer and make an afternoon of it.
birrarung marr: head to speakers corner where you can stand on the natural mounds of earth - the original soapboxes - where people hopped up to speak their minds in the 20th century. also enjoy the fact that the park's named birrarung marr as a nod to the wurundjeri people, who our forefather john batman all but wiped out when he forged signatures to acquire big pieces of land. sorry i ruined your entire cultural heritage, wurundjeri tribe, here's a park for you. (it is a pretty park, though.)
the state library: take one of the library's 2 million+ books and head to the eight-walled la trobe reading room. there are fun exhibitions if you're not much for books. if you're a true bibliophile, head to the mirror of the world exhibition where you'll find everything from a 4,000 year old tax receipt to an australian comic you've never heard of - panther man, anyone?
brunswick east for food: hit lygon street and eat your way through the food carts. malaysian, lebanese, japanese, jamaican, vietnamese, indian, greek, thai, you name it, it's there.
daytrip to phillip island: rent a board on your way and take an afternoon to surf at cape woolamai. they say it's nearly a two hour drive, but if you're a professional it only takes you an hour and some bare change. i almost died here once. worth it. pretty pink cliffs and lots of surfing lore. less crowded and better vibes than great ocean road, which are ridden with tourists.

where to drink.

if we australians are good at anything, it's getting you off your face. no matter how you like to get drunk we've got a plan for it. at sister of society, you'll find a casual pourhouse vibe with good snacks and an inkling that we don't know anything about american baseball. (they have a thing called the homerun there where you order things from each section of the menu, called "first base, second base, etc.... and it makes no sense whatsoever.) at yukie's snack bar - the things they do with cocktails... it's just bonkers. you read a menu and think, that's going to be disgusting. but then it's brilliant and it gets you wasted. two thumbs up. bougie, blasted, and blackout, that's what you'll find at the emerson. great for people watching. rooftop cinema opens back up in december and is exactly what it sounds like, except that it's also a bar all day long. so you can drink drink drink drink and then pass out in a lounge while watching the evening's choice flick at 9. dr. morse has the best beer garden in town. the everleigh is for those of you who are serious with a capital s about your spirits. it's got a bit of a vintage vibe, and is on all sorts of best bar ever lists across the world. at 438 church street is my favourite bar - bar economico. from the outside, it looks like a pisshole. it's shabby, peeling paint, and looks a bit downtrodden. but if you know the secret (which you do now), you ask for the exuberante. and when you ask for the exuberante, you're taken through the back hall and through a locked door - to a hidden gem. it's a bit like a speakeasy. you'll feel eternally cool if you go here, even if you're not cool at all.

where to eat.

everywhere. just eat everywhere you can. people never count melbourne in the great foodie cities of the world, but they should. head to hipster twat village hammer and tong for shit like "duck egg and salted caramel ice-cream accompanying salt and pepper French toast" - or to the cbd to gingerboy for a slightly upscale version of asian hawker style street market food (read: delicious and slightly more expensive/up than lygon street). if you're craving indian, head to tonka where they've got enough flavours of curry to blow your mind. hit up saigon sally for their bottomless vietnamese brunch on sundays with unlimited bubbly - and if you're looking for the best cafe, try tall timber, where the menu is never the same for more than a few days, and you're always dying for the recipe.

where to shop

head to chapel street for a good mix of high/low shops. if you're looking for something uniquely australian that's not too campy, drip in to life with bird - a melbounre based womenswear label and shop where everything is beautiful, laid back, and modern. if i could live in lwb, i would. if you're looking for a department store that's much cooler than a department store and much sleeker than a department store, try incu - they've got the best of both worlds, it feels intimate, but you're bound to find something. remember the block arcade from collins street? yes, shop here for a mall type of feel. toorak road is melbourne's version of rodeo drive, and you will leave with empty pockets. rose street artists market is down in fitzroy, open on weekends, and you can haggle your nose off. very hip. flinders lane is a personal favourite - here's where you'll find all the best bookshops, cafes, and gift shops in melbourne.

melbourne forever,
xo, bella